. elsewhere . . letters from the inaccessible .


3 June 2000

the harm i'd wrought

"i carelessly accelerated the spinning world, so the purveyor / could sell her spirits of levity and gravity, so the woman dancing / could sway and smile, enticingly undoing the harm i'd wrought." (vasodilator)

It might as well have been yesterday when we drove Sunset to the beach on the anniversary (as odd as it sounds) of the suicide of her ex's ex. She had a facility for remembering these things, and for attaching herself, insinuating herself, into tragic situations of which she'd only heard second- or third-hand. By extension, insinuating me into such situations at another degree removed. She was my first Miranda, I guess the only one. Her touch was affectionate, and desperate. In the weeks after the concert, I brooded on it often, an affection to which I'd become accustomed to, to which I felt entitled. Neither she nor I called the other. Some months later, we met on campus, shared a heavy look and told each other we wouldn't forget. I believe her.

never was so pure

Around this time, 1990. It had to be, as it was after the ACS exam. In the make-up lab practical for the class I made a fool of myself. Some time later, I learned the generosity and glad truth that people's memory is sporadic. Myself, repeating "I don't even know why I'm here," loudly, "this is more trouble than it's worth." Humiliated myself before the person who would be first to earn the title friend. By 1997, we hadn't spoken in years. Rusted out. A hell of a way to end a friendship, isn't it?


I once felt the same way. Just stop asking questions, just stop trying to right the wrongs. Of aesthetics. Of personality. Of beauty. Of intelligence. You just have to get used to it. You just have to get over it. The beautiful, the eloquent, the charismatic will go further in this life than either you or I. I refuse to begrudge Perry is charisma. I refuse to begrudge Clinton his mind. I refuse to begrudge my sister her beauty. I may notice that they receive more attention, I may notice that people hang on their words more, but I stopped being bothered by it a decade ago. If I could not be gracious, If I could not cheer their successes rather than envy them, I would not deserve merely less attention, I would clearly deserve none.

sophie's world

One of the books I read this week is Sophie's World by Jostein Gaarder. Essentially, it is a plot built around an historical survey of western philosophy. Though the philosophy rarely gets particularly deep, it is nevertheless interesting enough to work through, if you have the time. It has a couple problems, namely taking too long to resolve questions it plants into the reader's mind, but it has one quite interesting plot twist about halfway through. Honestly, with that plot twist so early on in the book, my interest was piqued for a big climax at the end... which did not materialize.

musings of a prod.

The end of another exciting week at the Revolution. Not much musing going on in spite of that.


©2001 Timothy A. Clark -|-