. elsewhere . . letters from the inaccessible .


19 June 2000

why has all this happened to us?

It is daunting, to say the least. Sometimes my stomach aches and my head feels packed with cotton, to think that I'm going to be doing the things I'm being set up to do. I guess set up is an inappropriate word. Groomed seems more appropriate. More precisely, I'm daunted by the fact that I need to prepare to do the things I'm being groomed to to. On several fronts, I'm presented with a path. Not a choice of paths, a path.

It's a steep one. At work, at church, in my own life, I've got these 3 things which I'm expected to accomplish. And all three will require me to become more. More than what I've been before. On the first, I need to become an heir apparent. On another, a warrior. On a third, just a better human being. You see, the third one all has to do with a New Year's resolution I made to myself. Of course, I treat it like a wish, something whose name cannot be spoken, lest it lose its potency.

Not like I've done that much on the second two. On the first, I'm tirelessly striving to become heir apparent. With that, I saw the need to prepare to take the challenge. As a warrior, I need to prepare to hear the call. With the third, I need to prepare to give of myself, completely. More often than not, I believe that I will do something to disqualify myself from those things which I most desire. In the past, I most often have. Let's see how this turns out, but I'm prepared, as always, to disappoint myself.

I just realized that the things I wrote up above are speaking about the means. Preparing to have the means of action. To become heir apparent indicates that I will step up when the old has moved on (if even for a short while). As a warrior, I am to fight for something, I am to battle and suffer and lead. As a better person, I'm to gain a completeness. These are not ends in themselves, but achieving each of them will mark a beginning. And that's what I'm afraid of. From there, the path gets steeper, and smaller mistakes will send me tumbling even further. It is daunting, to say the least.

musings of a prod.

It was a slower time for the Revolution in the Spring/Summer of 2000.


©2001 Timothy A. Clark -|-