Had a dream with a friend in it last night. He was distraught, overwhelmed, and he quit his job. He was
about to tell me that he'd given his notice when he had to excuse himself to go to the bathroom to
vomit. I was, to say the least, extremely bothered by it in the dream. I thought, what will I do when
he goes? I can't step in and take over. There was more to the dream, but I'm getting used to this whole
remembering things slowly....
This is the only way I can talk to you, though you probably don't read this. There are a lot of things which
consume the insides of us, and Joe is probably right in saying that fear is the worst. I agree.
Fear is the worst of emotions. Even anger provokes action. Only certain types of fear and apathy lead directly
to nothing, and with apathy, you don't care. Fear perpetuates itself, it stagnates, and keeps you
holding still before a predator. I think the worst
kind of fear is doubt. That anti-hope, the cellular awareness that our hopes will not come to pass,
the resonant, vast dread which has no clear name and no single object.
Each thing around us becomes a threat, an omen to be heeded or discarded. In that, each circumstance
becomes a dictator of our actions, an idol before which we bow down: reputation, influence, money,
whatever. I must be concerned about them, but I cannot serve them. It would empty me.
And you know, my soul leaks like a bucket without a bottom. I don't have the luxury of serving any more
stone or wooden gods, which will silently crumble and become the dust upon which I stand.