. elsewhere . . letters from the inaccessible .


22 June 2000

another dream

Had a dream with a friend in it last night. He was distraught, overwhelmed, and he quit his job. He was about to tell me that he'd given his notice when he had to excuse himself to go to the bathroom to vomit. I was, to say the least, extremely bothered by it in the dream. I thought, what will I do when he goes? I can't step in and take over. There was more to the dream, but I'm getting used to this whole remembering things slowly....

worn out

This is the only way I can talk to you, though you probably don't read this. There are a lot of things which consume the insides of us, and Joe is probably right in saying that fear is the worst. I agree. Fear is the worst of emotions. Even anger provokes action. Only certain types of fear and apathy lead directly to nothing, and with apathy, you don't care. Fear perpetuates itself, it stagnates, and keeps you holding still before a predator. I think the worst kind of fear is doubt. That anti-hope, the cellular awareness that our hopes will not come to pass, the resonant, vast dread which has no clear name and no single object.

Each thing around us becomes a threat, an omen to be heeded or discarded. In that, each circumstance becomes a dictator of our actions, an idol before which we bow down: reputation, influence, money, whatever. I must be concerned about them, but I cannot serve them. It would empty me. And you know, my soul leaks like a bucket without a bottom. I don't have the luxury of serving any more stone or wooden gods, which will silently crumble and become the dust upon which I stand.

musings of a prod.

It was a slower time for the Revolution in the Spring/Summer of 2000, but it looks as though it'll be heating up. Perry is not having the easiest time, and I'm trying to help every way I can. But you know and I know that my help is never effective for him... it's probably not the right kind, or from the right person. For some reason, I keep trying anyway. Maybe that's why we both know we'll be friends for quite a long time.


©2001 Timothy A. Clark -|-