16 October 2000
the most horrible what-ifs -|-
whatever else -|-
it's endless. -|-
musings of señor prod. -|-
everything, all of the time.
They're going to make my head explode. All downhill from here... The sickest part of it is, I know
I can get used to some pretty awful things.... just don't notice it much anymore. Headaches: a dime
a dozen. That's point 1 of the public list. Damn my willingness
to put up with it.
I'm probably going to die young, because when you just give up, all that's left is for the
heart to stop beating.
without even an echo in reply
So you ask me about why God lets things happen the way He does. I don't know. All I know is that
if I got what I deserved, I'd be dead by now. And I'm not, and that means I'm on borrowed time,
I have no right to complain about the most horrible things happening, and that time is borrowed from
Him. Look how I waste it, indeed...
it's happening everywhere.
This one says there's no such thing as good enough. This one says let's talk about you stepping
up. This one bestows names of questionable meaning. This one wants more time. This one wants
my blood. This one doesn't know because I'm scared silent.
It's happening everywhere. It tries to follow me home. Usually, it does. It insists on its pound of
flesh. It makes me think I'm dying, it makes me think I'm ruining everything, letting the
harvesting blades rust while breaking the fragile crystals.
There is no top to the mountain. If you don't stop and rest on the way, you don't acclimatize, and
you die. Altitude sickness starts with headache, dizziness, fatigue, shortness of breath, loss of
appetite, nausea, disturbed sleep, and a general feeling of malaise. As it gets worse, you get
severe nausea and vomiting, increasing weakness and fatigue, shortness of breath,
and ataxia. And then you build up fluid in your lungs.
It's more important to be good than happy.
musings of señor prod.
Status reports, tangible goals, monthly 'improvement points,' never rest at