. elsewhere . . letters from the inaccessible .


17 November 2000
the revelation issue

truths about me from my writings (lots of links)

First, permit me to warn you that this info may or may not be common knowledge. Therefore, if you come across something which alters your perception of me, oh well. You may not want to read this; on the other hand, you may. That's why it's here.

I was described by Kane as being very private though seeming open. Basically, I guess I'm a data miner. I tend to know more about someone than they know about me... Some, if not all of you, were probably surprised by the story of my encounter with the beautiful Mistress Michelle. Well, here goes, I can't promise any of this is interesting, but I was inspired by Clinton's nine theses. This first list are things you can get from my writing...

  1. I have an affinity for complexity. The Winnowing, Elysium, Invention IV, Spectrum, or any 10 other poems.
  2. Tragedy is an alluring fascination I have with women, particularly with Mariet, as embodied in most of the Miranda/Mary poems: Sleeping Beauty, A Return, Five Seconds Caressing Her Arm, Three Locations, Cardinal Points, Three Questions, Of Cities and Deserts, Divarication Nine, Fusion, Helix, Heart of Winter, Kisses, Miranda (1), miranda, and others to lesser extents... Also read about the character Spooky in Iron Society.
  3. I remember and regret things for perhaps too long... that can be seen in the Michelle C. poems: Obsidian Revisited, What the Photograph Contains, Royal Blue, Maudlin Streets, hummingbird, and others to lesser extents...
  4. The other poets in my life have a significant impact on me.
  5. See a trend here? Perhaps a dearth of people to whom I make reference which have in their physiological possession a Y chromosome? Me too.

truths about me otherwise

  1. She acts like she's in love with me. She says she's not. I'm not sure I believe her; I'm not sure if she's sure. When bystanders claim view of 'signals' they're probably right. The feeling, unfortunately, is not mutual.
  2. When people talk or write like I did in high school, I lose respect for them. Expecially when they're beyond high-school age. It makes me feel as though I'm so much further down the road that they're on, and wonder if they've even moved in all those years.
  3. Sometimes arcane is just arcane, and has nothing to do with subtlety.
  4. My vision of my future wife is that she is in the same league as I am intellectually, creatively, and spiritually. There can be grades of superiority/inferiority, but a steelworker will generally not have a lot in common with a research scientist, a person who feels mutely does not have a lot in common with an artist, and a blind adherent does not have a lot in common with a constant reviewer, a probing theologian. It would not be right for me to be a steelworker to her scientist, an artist to her mute, a theologian to her zealot. Or any of these vice versa.
  5. In some ways, I am a horrible friend. Without common place of interaction, I fade into periodic greetings, eventually silence. I need a venue for continued interaction. Because of this, I could never, ever maintain a long-distance romance.
  6. I'm too smart for my own good. Fortunately, I've discovered that when confronted with an intellectual superior, I respond positively, and without envy.
  7. I tend to put people on various pedestals: perspective, wisdom, intelligence, beauty. It makes them less of who they are and more a caricature of themselves.
  8. The first time I got close to attempting suicide (close enough to really scare me) was in 7th grade. The first time I thought about it was around the time I began fantasizing about dying tragically: 3rd grade. The last time I got close enough to scare me: July 1998.
  9. I feel as though I got my mind at the cost of my body, my penetrating intelligence at the cost of my personality, charisma, and heart.
  10. My attraction to tragedy in women was nearly my Achilles' Heel. With Mariet, I still sometimes wish I'd gone ahead.
  11. I tend to over-compartmentalize my life, quite similarly to my interaction with people: my photographer friends don't know I play bass and guitar; my musician friends don't know I can wax verbose on geography, or politics. I can't do everything, but the right hand tends not to know what the left hand is doing. My art friends don't know I'm a Christian (though I detest the epithet), my Christian friends don't know I go to goth-industrial clubs. Friends at work mostly don't even know about this site. Friends at church almost exclusively don't. The friends on the right tend not to know what I do with my friends on the left.
  12. Sometimes, I ask a lot of questions about what someone thinks of me. When in one-on-one conversation, I ask those types of questions a lot. For a while, I thought I was feeding my ego, something self-centered. And granted, there is a certain aspect of that, but not what you expect. I need to know. About me, about you, about everything. M. once told me that I observe and take information in to have a higher ground, an advantage by knowing more about someone than they do about me. Perhaps that's some of it. But then, when I'm feeling that kind of curious, I ask people about them as well. It's feeding my ego not to hear about me, but to hear information, pertinent information. As much as I don't want to admit it, I must concede that perception is reality to most people. And I want to know how they perceive me, I want to know how they perceive each other, I want to know how they perceive everything. I want to know everything.
  13. So much about personality, about trends, about perception. Now, here are some historical facts:
    • I have a different RH-factor than my mom. I'm O+ and she's O- (or vice versa...). Throughout her pregnancy with me, her immune system saw me as a foreign body, and tried to get rid of me. Because of this, after I was born, I had to remain in the UCLA Med Center hospital for 2 weeks, in an incubator and receiving blood transfusions. They knew about that all in advance enough for her to take special care of herself (and me, I guess), and go 30 miles to the best damn neo-natal hospital in SoCal.
    • One of my biggest shames is my ability to cut too closely to the bone, intentionally. In 1993 my parents and I got into an argument. I said some of the most vitriolic things I could think of, and even made my father cry. After the argument I wept more bitterly than I ever have, filled with more regret and shame than in years. To this day I haven't forgiven myself of that.
    • I've been in the following bands (some short-lived, others more long-lived...): 1. SIO, the garage band from high school in which I played guitar, and we covered lots of Cure songs, as well as Vapour Trails by Ride and Smells Like Teen Spirit; 2. POF, for about 4 practices, and my seditious atmospheric influence caused a stir in the punk-metal band); 3. The Mustard Seeds, with Pete Hsu, Perry, Jojo, and Catherine. We played, I believe 3 concerts; 4. Project Blue Dimension, with Josh Lai and Pete Hsu, for a total of 1 concert (I even sang "Just Like Heaven" by The Cure). 5. Redline (then Redline construct, then Redline Prime), the core of this band was me and H, an Astrophysicist and a Mathematician. Mike Oskin (geophysicist and Bach nut) was in the first half as well on excellent keyboards, and a rotating cadre of drummers, guitarists, and bass players. Needless to say, we made weird complicated stuff. Some of it very atmospheric due to my influence...; 6. Deep Blue Black, with Craig, Jim, Jesse, and Justin. Dark electronic-industrial. 7. Pedalmakers, roving rock 'n roll praise-worship band, still extant and playing periodically; 8. Million Dollar Gods, a riff-and-groove oriented band with vague Rage Against the Machine and Hendrix influence, me on bass, Jojo on drums, and Kane on guitar/vocals. We're still to play a live concert outside of those for friends. Geez, I'd no idea it would be this long...
  14. Alright, that's enough for now...

musings of señor prod.

Left in charge of the store... hanging in there. The Revolution's got one less bachelor now.


©2001 Timothy A. Clark -|-