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5 March 2001


solver of riddles.

"And if you would know God be not therefore a solver of riddles." -- Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet, On Religion.

It is an exhilarating and frightening experience, indeed, to change. And though teaching, as Gibran says, is only the teacher bringing the student to himself, to the knowledge which lies dormant within, I'm learning at a fast and furious pace. I think it all started in '98, during the height (or depth) of my little unexplained illness, a time when I could barely eat anything, and it's accelerating now. During those nights alone in the house, I was watching mindless television, doubting God, doubting my own life and future. I'd never been closer, before or since, to killing myself. But somehow, on the other side of it, I was a little different on the inside, a little less afraid. I still don't know exactly what is becoming of me, the old Tim sputtering in death-throes as a new Tim peeks his head around a corner, knowing full well that it could be cut off at anytime.

Riddles intrigue me still. But some, I can permit to remain what they are: mysteries. Beauty is an experience, not a longing, not a desire, not a set of behaviors. It is simply something which is, and I can string words together for you to explain, as I often try to do, but the very thing itself defies explanation, and so I know that I will never succeed, and I'm OK with that. And what a glorious failure it is! to share in beauty, to allow it to penetrate me, to not for a moment understand it, or even try. The mystery is greater than the solution, I'm learning that much. Risks are meant to be taken, I'm seeing that. The magnetic pull may yet overcome the fears, that is a hope I will permit myself to have. So I'm standing at the edge of the bottomless mystery, hoping for the wind to carry me over, and getting ready to jump, just in case a risk must be taken.

musings of señor prod.

Doing the things The Revolution can.

 

©2001 Timothy A. Clark -|-